Downcast
by Rotting Root
Summary: Syrus is depressed and wants someone to love him. Rated M for, language, self mutilation, vague mention of drugs, slight incest, and yaoi. Syruscentric. SyrusxZane, ShoxRyo
1. Chapter 1

Wow... two fic in two days. I think my writers block is gone :) Yeah... Well anyway... this is my first Gx fic. I hope you like it

I see Syrus as being depressed and always down on himself... and so I decided to work with that. And once again there is no happy ending. It's more... bitter-sweet. I might write a sequel if I get good reviews.

I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Yu-Gi-Oh GX or any related characters.

This was written for entertainment only. I do not encourage self harm in any way and suggest that all who do it, seek professional help.

Rated M for, language, self mutilation, vague mention of drugs, slight incest, and yaoi. Syrus-centric. SyrusxZane

**Chapter 1**

Syrus' POV

Why am I always so depressed? And why does no one understand? Maybe I'm the one that doesn't understand. I grew up in a loving home and I had wonderful parents. Ok... maybe wonderful isn't the word for it. They fought constantly, rarely over me or Zane, but to a child, fighting is fighting. But they were pretty good parents otherwise. I got everything I ever asked for. My big brother Zane always looked out for my, like a big brother should. I used to get teased a lot in school, but I was still a happy child. Hmm... when did the depression start? High School? Middle School? It was middle school. I never let on that I was depressed though. I never let anyone see the "signs of depression." Although I would lock myself in my dark and cluttered room for hours at a time and talk on the phone or play video games. I didn't want anything to do with my family at that time.

Then I began high school. By this time, I thought that I was worthless and had no purpose. I wasn't particularly good at anything and had none of my friends from middle school. Jaden befriended me. He was the only one that I could open up to, and even so, I couldn't open up to him as much I would have liked to. I withheld all of my pain. Pain... Is that really what I was... what I am feeling? I've often wonder where these feelings came from? Am I really feeling pain or am I feeling nothing at all? I'm the one feeling it, and yet I can't put a name to it, or even describe it. "Depression." Depression is just a condition that has many symptoms. I guess my condition is depression, and the symptoms are the feeling that I cannot describe.

Anyway, It was in high school that I began to withdraw from people and social situations. I still had my close friends, but sometimes I didn't even like talking to them. I was so different, I felt like some sort of freak that stood out in a crowd of normalcy. Everyone was the same and I was different. I could never be one of them. Zane started to worry about me. He would come into my room late at night after our parents had gone to sleep and ask me what was bothering me. I never told him because I didn't know what to say or how to explain what my problem was without him trying to convince me otherwise. But none-the-less, he was persistent. He came to me every night. Sometimes we would talk, others he would just hold me and tell me that he was here for me. I couldn't bring myself to tell him anything. He was one of "them." One of the ones I could never be.

He told my mother that he was worried about me. She took me the doctor and he recommended that a see a therapist. Me in therapy? There was nothing wrong with me. I didn't have a mental illness. I wasn't schizophrenic. I wasn't thinking about suicide. So why did I need to see a therapist? I didn't know, but my mother made me go anyway. At first I hated it. How the hell was I supposed to open up to a stranger about my problems when I couldn't open up to my friends or even my own brother? But just when I got to liking therapy, I had to stop going because we couldn't afford it. Dad had just lost his job and I was left with no one to talk to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Normal POV

After a long strenuous day at school, Syrus went up to his room and locked the door behind him. "Why does no one care about me anymore?" He thought to himself. Zane had started up the stairs to his little brother's room.

"Syrus... Are you ok? Let me in," Zane said.

"Go away," Syrus replied in a monotone voice. He remembered something. He had takes one of his fathers razor blades. He didn't know what he would ever need it for but he kept it, just for the sake of keeping it. He took it out of the bottom drawer of his dresser.

"Come on Sy. I just want to talk." Zane said persistently. Syrus didn't answer. Zane sat outside Syrus' door, know that he would have to come out before dinner.

Syrus took the razor and presses the edge of the blade gingerly to his forearm. "Should I do it?" he asked himself. "I can't! What if someone finds out? What if the put my in a mental hospital?" he continued the conversation in his head. "I can't keep going on the way I am. I need some relief." He pushed the blade down and made a small shallow cut. He repeated the action, but this time, the cut was long, jagged, deep. He started to cry. It hurt, but it felt so good, so good to have that feeling released, if even for a moment. He watched the blood seep from the would as it throbbed. He had judged people who cut themselves as bad, but now that he's done it, he sees why it is such a wonderful thing for them. Zane could hear Syrus crying.

"Are you ok, Sy?" he asked, sounding very concerned.

"Yeah, just leave me alone."

"It's time for dinner."

"All right, I'll be right down," he replied.

Quickly, he put a tissue over the wound and held it there until he was sure that the bleeding had stopped. He went over to his closet and put on a long sleeve black shirt and made sure that it cover the cuts. He opened his door, only to see Zane waiting there for him.

"Zane, you startled me..."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure that you were ok," Zane said softly.

"I-I'm fine."

Syrus walked down to the kitchen with Zane and sat at the table in his usual spot across from his father and next to Zane.

"Are you all right sweety?" his mother looked at him.

"I'm fine mom," Syrus said as he put a little bit of spaghetti on his plate. He wasn't hungry. He could vomit just from looking at the food. The red sauce reminded him of what he had just done. It looked almost to be the color of blood. Syrus ate his food without even looking at it. He didn't want to eat, but he didn't want to be questioned as to why he wasn't eating. He finished the last bite. The last bite, by far, was the hardest to get down. He was still thinking about the blood, his blood. When he was done he headed back to his room. Zane followed.

"Syrus, let's talk," Zane said sweetly.

"Um, all right," Syrus said and watched Zane close the door behind him.

"Are you ok Sy? I heard you crying before."

"I'm fine. I promise. I just had a bad day at school, that's all," he said, trying to convince Zane that was all there was to it.

"Well, ok. I'm here if you want to talk about it." He leaned over and hugged the smaller boy. "I love you, Syrus," he said.

"I love you too, big brother."

Zane got up and left his brother's room. Syrus ran over and locked the door. He sat on his bed and rolled up his sleeve. The wound was starting to bleed again. He watched it. He could have gone on watching himself bleed all night long. He so desperately wanted this feeling to last. The feeling of relief that he hadn't felt in so long. He wished that moment could last forever. He finally felt safe, felt almost happy, felt something.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Normal POV

Syrus' father had finally gotten a new job and he was able to go back to therapy. He had a new therapist and he was happy for that. He hadn't like his previous one. He liked the new one. She was easier to talk to and better at getting to the root of his problems.

His cutting had gotten out of control, although he didn't think so. He had his way of justifying his behavior. He would tell himself that he could be doing something much worse. He could be drinking or do drugs. It's not like he was doing anything illegal. He was only making scars on his skin, he wasn't doing any serious damage. That's what he told himself. He knew it could get infected, but he always made sure to clean his wounds, because if it got infected, he would have to tell his parents.

He did tell his therapist. She was surprisingly understanding. Syrus had expected a much different reaction. When he was done with his therapy session, he was surprised to see Zane in the waiting room.

"Hi Zane. I thought Mom was picking me up," Syrus said.

"She asked me to pick you up. She had a few things to do," Zane smiled. "I don't mind though. I haven't gotten to spend any time with you lately."

"Oh...you mean you actually want to spend time with me?" Syrus asked, as if expecting him to say something else.

"Yes! You're my brother! Of course I want to spend time with you!" Zane took Syrus home and he went straight up to his room.

"I'll be down in a minute Zane. I just want to change clothes," he yelled down to him. He had a particularly rough day in therapy. He had several sharp objects stashed around his room for just such an occasion. He took out one of his mother's sewing needles that he kept in his teddy bear. "Needles are so much easier to hide," he thought. He rolled up his sleeve and began to gouge his arm. He could hear Zane's footsteps on the stairs when he realized that he had forgotten to lock the door. He quickly shoved the needle under his bed when he heard Zane turn the door knob. He covered the cut with his blanket.

"Syrus, I though we were gonna hang out," Zane said.

"Sorry, I just got a little distracted is all," Syrus replied, holding the blanket around his arm.

"Why are you holding your blanket around your arm, Sy?" Zane asked concerned.

"Uh... I-It's nothing," he said, and looked away.

"Show me," Zane demanded.

"No! I don't have to," Syrus said.

"Come on Syrus, I'm not joking around, now show me your arm."

"No!" Syrus yelled.

"Fucking show me Syrus!" He struggled as Zane grabbed his arm and pulled it so that it was straight.

"Syrus..." Zane said in a half shocked, half angry tone.

"What?" Syrus asked sadly.

"Why the hell would you do this to yourself!?" Zane yelled.

"It's none of your damn business Zane!" Syrus yelled back. Zane grabbed his shoulders.

"My little brother slicing himself isn't any of my business?" Zane glared angrily.

"You don't know how it feels Zane! You can't understand!"

"I won't understand if you don't talk to me!"

Syrus cried. Zane put his arms around the small boy.

"I didn't mean to yell at you. It' just ... this sort of thing scares me Sy. I don't want to lose you. I don't want this to go too far."

"I'm sorry Zane." He hugged his big brother then laid back. Zane leaned down and kissed his cheek. He looked deep into his brothers big bright eyes.

"Syrus..." Zane whispered and pressed his lips softly to Syrus's, "You'll be ok, Sy. I promise."

Syrus fell asleep in his brothers arms, finally feeling safe and secure.

"I love you, Syrus."


End file.
